*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.