Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.