My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
How do dragons blow out candles?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.