[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Taliband
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
you have three unread messages
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver