[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
#Thanos #MondayMood
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”