[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.