[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
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I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*