[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother