Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*