[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.