[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
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The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.