[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My Plans 2020
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate