[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
You Might Also Like
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.