Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
You Might Also Like
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao