I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*