Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
You Might Also Like
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?