Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
You Might Also Like
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
How to wake up a Beagle
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
found my next D&D character name
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.