me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.