@smint: Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never 'accidentally' hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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@itshotterhere: I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
@fillthevacuum: Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
@TheHyyyype: 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure