*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
buys donuts instead
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?