Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
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Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
This can never not be funny 😭😭