*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
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Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.