[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD