2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.