Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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When I grow up, I want to be 16
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I’m putting together a team
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
British people be like I’m Bri ish
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.