Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
You Might Also Like
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.