Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Straight people are cancelled
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.