@trumpetcake: Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
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@TheHyyyype: [criminal trial] PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty* ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor's entire argument in the spongebob meme format* JURY: lmao, not guilty
@Prof_Hinkley: [emailing eHarmony match] Her: describe yourself Me: brown hair, kinda stalky Her: lol you mean stocky Me [through her bedroom window]: No
@BoomBoomBetty: Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS. My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
@AngryRaccoon2: Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .