@trumpetcake: Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
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@bourgeoisalien: I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he's been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
@hazelmotes1: If my son's science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he's almost done.
@jayonguitar: When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.