Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
You Might Also Like
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Brother?
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.