@birbigs: Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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@Shade510: Her: Umm...Where are you going? Me: Walking the dog. Her: When you get back, we need to talk. * walks dog...returns 3 days later
@outrrracheous: Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card.
@jordan_stratton: [boss finds pics of me snowboarding] "You missed work bc you said you were sick...& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING" *fist bump*
@stevevsninjas: everybody's a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes