Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Wednesday
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.