@birbigs: Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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@kentgrossarth: Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick? Me: Nope, you're the first one. Gf: What? Me: What?
@NewDadNotes: [blind date] Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less. Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference! Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
@radtoria: Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.
@_coryrichardson: cop: you get one phone call me: [on phone] hey timmy. listen kid, i’m not going to be able to *very loudly* DONATE MY KIDNEY TO YOU TOMORROW cop: you haven't even dialed a number