Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
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Aw man, but that’s the best part
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
scrabbled eggs
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Word!
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
new year update: losing everything but weight
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.