Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”