Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.