Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
You Might Also Like
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.