Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard