Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that