sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My birth announcement for our third baby
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.