Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
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me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
The internet is full of many things
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
anyone else like Italian cereal
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?