Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
You Might Also Like
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game