Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
when someone compliments me
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest