The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.