Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
This made me chuckle.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”