Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body