@Tmoney68: Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
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@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]
@RamblingMachine: In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
@thatdutchperson: Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
@ThePawfessor: eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.