@Tmoney68: Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
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@kenwhacksit: I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!
@Jake_Vig: Dear President of Mexico, DO NOT fall for Trump's old trick where he mumbles "guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?" and you say "What?"
@batkaren: ME: I give you all my love and infection. HIM: Um. Don't you mean love and 'affection'? ME: ... HIM: ... ME: You should get tested.