Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that