Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.