@djr_102: Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone's status turns to "It's complicated" by posting "thanks for last night" underneath it.
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@crunchenhanced: [In cubicle at work] *pretends to start clipping my nails* *tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip* CW: WTF!
@Cpin42: "I usually don’t do this on the first date," I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
@Mikecanrant: I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off. Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.