@djr_102: Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone's status turns to "It's complicated" by posting "thanks for last night" underneath it.
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@SteveKoehler22: *Brings weed to church picnic* What ? The invitation clearly said : "Pot luck; bring something to pass."
@themessednest: Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!” 5 “Trying to pull it out.” Me “That’s going to hurt.” 5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
@krishna_van: Quitting the gym because it's easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me