boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
¯_(ツ)_/¯
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*