@TheBeerGuy73: Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all. Then I thought of you.

@iwearaonesie: wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] *calls wife* me: Can you bring me a shirt?

@djdarrellripley: Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word "whore" in Polish? Me: What a beautiful language...

@Dildotron: [planning for wedding] i found us a remote location "Omg where?" *points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV* The remote goes there now

@UncleDuke1969: *climbs into windowless van* *puts on "Free Hugs" t-shirt* *heads out to make new friends* *fails* *waits for lawyer in windowless room*