@Mr_Kapowski: Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket
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@MartaEffing: *runs my fingers thru your hair* *tightens grip* *pulls your head back* *looks you in the eye* Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?
@SharpeBytes: It's so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
@TheBoydP: Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.