When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
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she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule