Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
😅😅😅
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
“How’s your day going?”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Stick it to the man
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!