Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either