SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after