SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.